Things are looking up, but you might have to face your own shadow before you can see the possibilities all around you. It's not about one specific deal or any single decision you need to make. It's about your overall attitude; if you believe that you're on your way to success, then you are. Put your intensity to work and make it happen.


so incredibly appropriate. i just had to keep it.

more on my crazy crazy life in the near future.

i realized something recently.

although i basically tell no one of this livejournal, there are certainly ways that people can access this. people, for instance, who i don't want to read this. so what i'm gonna do is go ahead and make this a friends only thing.

well, maybe not the whole thing because i'm too lazy to find a fun graphic i like, but certain entries. and i'm gonna go ahead and make certain past entries friends only too.

announcement over. :)

i don't think i've ever been through such a range of emotion during a show as i have during this one. of course first came disappointment, then resentment, then apathy. and now i actually give a shit. i like (most of) the cast. the girls, anyway. i finally gave myself a chance to like them and as it turns out they're pretty cool. it's really neat to have a girl's dressing room full of people you actually like. the four of us are bonding pretty nicely and i'm really enjoying it.

so i was up all night doing work. mostly doing work, occasionally dicking around. i'm really not even tired, either. which is odd. at this point in an all-nighter (the time when the sun starts rising) i usually feel run-down and pretty tired, but i'm up. not quite ready to go in the maclab and get those glares from allan, but i'm not completely tired.

right this very second i'm really content. the sun hasn't quite risen yet, so it's not too bright. i'm listening to the song in the closing credits of 'angels' with this soprano just singing. no words that i can tell... maybe they're in another language, but it's really soothing. a bird is chirping outside. the only qualm i have with my current situation is that i suddenly have to pee. i drank a lot of water tonight.

i'm so anxious about things. that could partly have to do with the adderall i took, but it's like my whole life is up in the air right now. nothing is falling into place... considering that's how the past two years of my life have been (things falling into place) this is an odd place for me to be.

there's so much i want and need to do, and i feel like i'm never going to do it. so many things are bogging me down, and i'm just wondering if that will ever stop. if i'll ever be at a place in life where things aren't bogging me down, holding me back.

i'm probably not going to get that government job. 130 applicants for two positions. and i'm a graphic design/theatre major. they won't take me.

i hate that i've had thoughts that i should've had another major. like sociology or something. something that is well-rounded that i could get a lot of random jobs in when i graduate. it makes sense to the rational person, but i'm not rational. and i HATE that i'm feeling that. i just want to act. i haven't done anything yet. i'm still evolving as an actor, i'm still learning everything. harper could have been that one role to launch me onto another plane of my abilities, but it didn't turn out that way. not that i don't like hannah, because i do. i am so very proud of what i've done with the characters i got, and it's neat to put an 'age' character on my resume. how many times again will i be able to play age? until i'm actually that age? not too many.

but harper was that one role i could sink my teeth into. guess i wasn't ready for it. everything happens for a reason, right? i know that more than i know anything else in the world.

one day. soon, hopefully. one day i'll get that role.


i'm rambling. makes sense, i've been up all night. good thing i took that nap around 6PM yesterday. i'd be a lot more tired than i am now.


SIGH. why can't acting be more easy to get into? how come all these people who suck have to make it hard for me?

i'm over it.

i'm thinking i should go take a shower before i actually doze off.



i can't believe it's almost may already...

... i've been thinking a lot about it lately.

and it's stressing me out.

i only have a year to finish all the credits i need to finish in order to graduate. and since i'm taking into consideration doing tepper semester, i'm super duper stressed. because that means i have to finish aaall of my gen-eds and my graphic design stuff by the end of next fall semester.

and unfortunately, i don't think it's entirely possible. purely because most of the classes i need to take are offered at the motherfucking exact same time, and it's so frustrating. or things aren't offered, and that's bothering me.

at the very least i'm taking four summer classes, one is an internet course so it should be easier. i also want to do the performance with mat wright, but considering i'm also doing 'the sound of music', ontop of another class, i don't know how possible that will be.

UUUGGGHHH. why do i feel like i haven't done anything the past four years of my life!? i hate that i didn't take college more seriously a couple years ago.

whatever. it's annoying. and there are so many things happening right now that could affect my life in completely different ways. if i do get into tepper semester and do it, my life will go in one direction. if i get the USDA job (hopefully the SCEP job) then my life could go in another direction.

i've never had to face my future like this before and i'm not coping very well. nothing is easy.

i have a lot more to say but i'm kind of tired.


PS rob and i are still broken up. that's a good sign, right?

i just came to a realization that i don't like a lot of my art. i was just looking on DA at my gallery and i'm not too thrilled. so much of it was done when art could be my priority and when i hadn't developed a lot of skills. and now that i've lived a little and developed more as an artist, i have no time to paint or draw because of theatre.

it kind of sucks that way.

i think i've only finished two paintings in this entire year. i wish i had enough time in the day to do everything i'd like to do.

that would be the benefit of winning the lottery for me, i think. to have the financial security to do what i want. because then i don't have to worry about a job per se, and i could audition my ass off for shows and still perform even if i didn't get in things. as opposed to relying on acting to pay my bills. and then when i wasn't acting i could paint. or draw. or collage. or something.

i really wish i could be in my own mind more than i am.
i think so goddamn much about everything and i see paintings in my minds eye of what i'd like to do, but what gets done? i don't paint. and i don't write anything down that i think about. half of this journal is a rant about rob. and that pisses me off. i'm mad at myself for that. why does he have to consume all of my emotional and psychological energy?


there just isn't enough time.


this year has gone by so fast so far. i don't think i like it. spring break flew by. soon enough i'm going to be faced with almost $100,000 debt from student loans and a liberal arts degree from rutgers camden with concentrations in theatre and graphic design.

i'm fucked.

i wish i could've been a boring person, and majored in business or marketing or some shit like that. unfortunately i'm complex. that's why when my mom tries to think of potential careers for me i just want to say to her, "seriously, mom. do i look like i belong in an office? in a cubicle? behind a computer all day? pushing paperwork? is that me?"

i think she'd get the point then and support me with this whole theatre thing. as far as i'm concerned, it's the life i was destined to lead. anyone who wants to disagree can hear a very depressing story of events in my life from september '05 through march '06. and tell me that those depressing events weren't God giving me a swift kick in the ass in the right direction. because i'm convinced that the deal in my life. bad shit happens for a reason, folks.

i think all of this existential babble is coming out of this little project i'm doing with paul. the man may be a bit on the nutso side, but i really respect him as a performer. he's got me in a short scene he's doing for an 'open rehearsal' before he heads off to europe to perform them. i'm really enjoying myself. it's in a small theatre, mostly used as a dance studio, right by drexel's campus. it's a great, old building. and we know how i feel about great, old buildings. sometimes i think i'm a sensitive, because in some places i just feel all the energy that has taken place there. you breathe creativity in places like that.

i'm totally silent in this piece, and half the time i'm a member of the audience, then suddenly i become the girl paul is speaking about. i love not needing to speak. it's almost like a painting that way, you don't say anything and let the way things look say everything. it's amazingly liberating.

i'm supposed to be conjuring up tears, i think, and it's becoming a bit of a challenge. i can conjure tears when i'm speaking a part, but it's pretty difficult to do when i'm not saying anything.

i'm okay with it. i love doing these kinds of things. i'm increasingly wanting to do more and more avant garde things. let's push the envelope a little bit. let's shock people. make them question. that's why i loved doing 'dutchman' and why i'm enjoying doing 'angels'. but i still want to get away from those things even. like paul's project, it's very dadaist in nature and i LOVE that. though i feel like most of the things paul does is dadaist in nature. lol that's just how he is. a little off-kilter. you gotta appreciate him for that.


i just feel like i've only started scratching the surface of what i want to do with the time i have here. considering it's only less than five years, according to my apocalypse conspiracy theory. we'll see if it happens like it should. if not, i'd be a little pissed. i can't imagine living until i'm 90. so yeah. time shouldn't be wasted.

i was just debating on whether or not i want to even mention rob in this entry. but i might as well.
he's a jackass. let's just say that. apparently he wanted to be alone this spring break, because he has made no effort to hang out with me at all. in fact, he hasn't called me since last friday.

it is worth mentioning that he told me he loved me in that conversation we had. not the first time he's said it, nor do i think he doesn't mean it, because i do believe that he does. but it was after that conversation that he didn't call me even after i tried to contact him about ten times between then and tuesday. he finally answered when i called him tuesday night, it was probably a less than a minute conversation before i hung up.

this is my issue. i haven't cried. you figure that if your significant other does this kind of shit to you, you'd cry, right? yeah. unfortunately this isn't the first time he's pulled something like this. and i also think that, once and for all, i'm done with it. i'm officially ready to move on.

plus mary called me an abuse victim in the making, so i think i have to move on for my own sanity. i've thought that about myself before, but it's always when mary tells me things about myself that i actually listen. that's why i pay to talk to her once a month. i need that reality check to get myself moving. she also asked me why i love him and why i want him in my life, and i didn't have an answer. that's pretty astounding to me, actually. it shouldn't be that way.

i honestly hope that this stunt he's pulling is an attempt to get out of this. (not because he doesn't care about me, but because he "needs to be alone".) because that would make the whole extrication part easier. i have the hardest time doing that with people. thus the "abuse victim in the making". even when they treat me like shit i stick around.


sigh. i'll end up like the character i'm playing in this piece. beaten by a guy and crying in a laundromat.

i don't want that for myself. the way steve treated me was enough grief for a lifetime.

so. bye, rob.

i find it interesting that no matter how tired i am during the day, come 10 o'clock i'm wide awake.

i only got about two hours of sleep last night because i had a big midterm today to study for... i was exhausted around 4PM, fell asleep for a hot second around 6PM and slowly became wide awake.

i should be doing so many other things right now and i'm wasting time on here and myspace. i've been on adderall for about the past 24 hours and that's probably what's messing me up. at a certain point on that stuff you get really anxious and unable to focus entirely on anything.

oof.


anyway. i'm not sure what else to write. spring break is starting this weekend, which is exciting. that mean's rob's home!! his mom just got a beagle puppy a couple weeks ago so i'm psyched to meet the little guy. i looove it when rob is home. have i said that enough already? haha

i think it's really odd that considering how dysfunctional this relationship has been, we've lasted a really long time. as far as i'm concerned, anyway. i can't tell you how many "good" relationships i've seen my friends go in and out of in the amount of time that rob and i have been going out.

granted it's been on and off for a year and a couple months, but there's never been another guy in my life other than him, so i think it's safe to say we've only been emotionally involved in each other.

fair enough. the kelly thing. but let's not think about that. :)

i joked about it the other day. i'm proud of myself for that. i mean it was almost a fucking year ago, so i should hope i'd be getting over it by now.

it still stings when i think about it, though... so i'm not!

but back to the point. the connection rob and i have is incredible. you see these "perfect" couples that last for six months or less. and then you see me and rob. half the time we can't stand each other and we go on breaks every other month and disagree about so many things. but we can't seem to let go of each other. that's sweet, really.

i referred to him as an addiction the other day. i wish the word weren't so harsh, but that's essentially what he is for me. can't shake him. not that i have a problem with it. i'm just wondering when that time will come when i DO have to kick the habit of rob.



hm. that'll probably be in a year when everything else will go crazy with my life.

okay so it really doesn't. but it was the first thing that came to mind when thinking of a subject for this. that's one of rob's lines for 'angels in america'.

on that note. i was really excited about going into this play because of the possibilities i had for it. carly wasn't auditioning and there was really no one else before me in terms of acting. so auditions come and go and i didn't get the role i wanted. it went to some random psychology major. talk about disappointing, right? yeah.

it's not that i got a bad role, but i was just really upset about it for a good couple of weeks. apparently on the audition sheet for me, the director said "not right for harper." whatever that means. for awhile i thought it had something to do with my weight, which is steadily going down but i'm not where i wanna be... but then i saw the girl that got harper before me, and weight is definitely not an issue.

the director cast mostly on looks for this play (rightly so) but i still don't know what it is. whatever. stuff one has to get over in this business. it's just that for once i had such a great opportunity and it just didn't pan out. ken's new so he doesn't have loyalties to the majors like paul does... had paul directed this show i bet i would've gotten harper.

i'm over it. i have my first rehearsal tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. i'm still moderately excited about this experience, really because of the subject matter. it's so edgy and contemporary, i love it. i play a mormon mother who's son just came out to her. i'm a real bitch, actually, and that's pretty kick ass. i'm also playing ethel rosenberg in a scene with pat. i love working with pat because he always gives a lot, and he's the only person i'm working with out of my four scenes that isn't new to the department shows. that's not until the end of act three so i bet that won't be for another couple of weeks. :P

so right now i'm just up. i was sleepy earlier but i was waiting for sean to call me like he said he would, and three hours later i called him and he wasn't into talking. blah. so now i'm up, but my body is exhausted. i've been working out like a fiend lately and i think my body's still just getting used to it. i'm losing the weight but i haven't been counting the calories like i was for about a month. i always seem to stall out when it comes to losing weight. i just stop for awhile then start back up again. but i'm on a roll and i'd like to keep going. i need to, really. if i expect to do anything in theater worth doing, i need to get down to a "castable" size.

let's not even get into talking about my future. it depresses me and the fact that a year from now i'll be getting ready to graduate scares me to death. so i'm crossing that bridge when i come to it... i just hope i can actually graduate then. i'm already a year behind and i can't wait around anymore.


i'm sad when it comes to rob. it's not that things are bad, things just... are. we talk on the phone a lot but we never actually get to spend time alone together and that always gets to me. he doesn't ever seem to care, everything is enough for him. doesn't surprise me, really. but i had an interesting epiphany the other day... this will sound kind of obscene, but i was doing some dirty business with myself and realized that i only got off when i thought of him. it surprised me. considering we NEVER do anything... i've been used to satisfying my needs on my own and lately it's been mostly without his visual help, if i'm making sense. and then that happened. and yeah. that was refreshing, i guess. i encouraged myself in the most subconscious way.

i just want to see him more. and be close to him. i feel like i'm never happier when i'm just cuddling with him. and he gets so affectionate when we take naps, i love it so much. i'm never going to say something to him about it because then he'll stop doing it, the bastard. he does stuff like that all the time. i say something i like and he stops doing it to spite me. denying himself, i think. anyway. i want nothing more than to be warm with him in a cozy bed sometimes. really.


in other news. i've been pretty antisocial lately. i'm not quite sure why. i'd say it's been for a little less than a month now. i kinda would just rather be with myself. and then the day before valentine's day i started sobbing for about two hours. i know what triggered it, i think, but what triggered it didn't even bother me enough for me to cry that much. i mean, let's be serious. we know what valentine's day means to me, and i think that might be why i cried. just had to get some of those feelings out again. it's like watching a really, really sad movie for a second time... but i'm living with it. i have to. nothing more i can do than what i'm doing right now.

i haven't been getting overwhelmed with school yet, which is nice. i do have to get off-book for two shows this semester, which will probably end up being rather frustrating. 'angels' isn't half as bad as 'no exit', though. an entire one-act based on three people talking. it's pretty ridiculous, actually. me, rob and carly were doing it for her senior project, then rob dropped out because he was getting overwhelmed by all the stuff he was doing. he's louis in 'angels', which is arguably the lead. i'm a lot less enthusiastic than i originally was about 'no exit', but i'm still doing it of course. mainly for carly, but also because it's one more thing to put on my resume. hopefully within a year i don't have to put 'forum' on there. one can hope.

oh, and i'm actually excited to be doing les mis again. i know, i didn't ever think i would say that. hopefully we won't get a repeat of last year...


i think i may have scholiosis. (however you spell it, my auto speller in my OSX is telling me it's wrong.) random.


so. it's late and my vision's starting to get wobbly on me. i'll be going now.



...i love rob. i really do.

i had the craziest semester. i was incredibly busy for a solid four months. it was pretty ridiculous, actually. i was taking 21 credits, painted two sets and did 'midsummer'.

'midsummer' was amazingly fun. i really had the time of my life. i can't stress that enough. i think it was the only show that i would do again in a heartbeat.

let's see, what else...

well, rob and i are still rob and i. we broke up around my birthday, because he was being a selfish jackass (what else is new, right). and then remained on speaking terms for awhile and unofficially became official again around the time 'midsummer' was opening. i was good for awhile but i'm getting restless again... as per usual, i guess. i think it was because valentine's day was yesterday and we didn't even hang out. i'm not as pissed off as i should be, but i'm trying not to think about it. that's probably not the best thing to do, but i don't know what else to do. he doesn't listen to me anymore when i get upset. he doesn't usually listen to me otherwise. no respect, i'm telling you. no respect.

i really don't know what to do. i've been here before, of course. half of my journal is about how 'i don't know what to do'... i just really don't...

and right now rob and sean were talking about doing les mis again. "bigger and better" they said. and i was pretty much demoted. sean has an uncanny ability to sugar coat things in a somewhat condescending way and it bothers me, especially when he talks to me like that. basically, they're going to direct and "you get to do all the artsy stuff."

i can only imagine how that conversation went before i talked to them. "yeah, she doesn't know what she's doing so let's just tell her she gets to do this to keep her quiet." that may or may not be the case, but that's what i feel like it's like.

i don't know why but i can't stand it when they're together and i happen to be on the phone with one of them. i really can't stand it. i feel like they talk bad about me, and rob just says whatever because he doesn't give a damn about me.


sorry... i'm just really not in a good mood. blah.

and i looked her square in the eye.

kelly. the one that rob was hooking up with for two weeks last april/may. the person that put me through so much torment.

well, in reality i guess it was rob that did that. but she was who he was doing it with, and i don't like her. i can't help it, i have a lot of disdain for her.

i was in the cafeteria with sean and we were going to sit down at a table... i think she noticed me before i noticed her, but we locked eyes for a split second. i could recognize those horse nostrils anywhere. (i facebook stalked her. i know it wasn't a good moment, but what else is the internet for?)

i imagine that she must've done the same to me, since rob told her who i was.

it was a weird moment. if i had seen her months ago i probably would've punched her in the face. but it was okay. i didn't really feel much other than bitterness at the memory of that two week period. but i didn't feel too much else...

i don't know if it's the fact that i know rob wouldn't get with her again (her voice is so annoying) or that i'm slowly trying to emotionally distance myself from him. i just wasn't overwhelmed with possessiveness.

he's not acting as strange, he called me tonight and was being pretty normal. but this is a weird situation we're in, it's like we're taking a break or something. unspoken. it's like he needed time away from me and didn't know how to say it other than to ignore me. which is fine, i probably needed a break from him. (what am i saying? i did.)

i just wish he would audition for 'midsummer'. at least then we'd have the opportunity to see each other on a daily basis... especially since if i got helena, i'm almost positive he would get demetrius. or titania/oberon. i think paul would cast us as romantic partners... judging from the conversation we had the other day. that may be a good or bad thing, depending. i don't know if i could handle the self-righteousness that'll come with him and shakespeare. :P

anyway. i should probably sleep.

rob. SIIIIGH.

i honestly can't believe it's gotten this far. i never expected to get anything but a casual hook-up from time to time out of him. that first night, it was so special. it was such an eye-opener. i had never connected with someone so naturally and inherently as i did with him that night. it was like it was meant to be. like my whole life led me into that moment, everything that i went through, every little decision i made in my life led me to him. to his room, to his bed on that rainy january night. i just wish the bliss of that night would've lasted longer than the extent of winter break...

that honeymoon period ended pretty quickly.

i don't like the fact that rob stresses me out so much. it shouldn't be that way, should it?

lately i've been thinking that maybe it's not him. maybe it's all me. i don't know how to be in a proper relationship, i know how my friends or other people i see handle relationships. so when i think mine isn't going the way theirs is, i think it's all wrong.

i stress out about losing him, but when i think more about it... what would i lose? i'd lose a lot of this stress that i'm talking about. i'd lose a distraction to more seemingly important things. i'd lose all this frustration.

but i'd also lose someone that i love being around. (of course, he's not always that person.) i'd lose a connection that i feel like i can't live without.

i feel like sometimes i'm just keeping him around because i want someone to be with. he's said that to me before, that i just like the idea of being in a relationship, not him. that may be partly true. because i think of not being with him, and the first thought that comes to mind is "i have no one else!"

it's okay to be single. i always said that. now i'm losing sight of it. i see how celebrities seem to have an endless stream of relationships, and now i understand why. it's nice to be with someone.

but is it so nice that i put myself through all of this? he's never done anything big for me. that eats away at me sometimes.

i know another reason why i keep him around is so i can stick it in erin's face that i'm with him. she pisses me the fuck off and if i'm not with him, i can't dangle it infront of her face. it's like spite. that's not a reason to be with him, especially if the relationship isn't going well.

he'd never get with that, i'm more than confident about that. it's more about her pushing herself onto him that bothers me.

i hate this. i hate the fact that it's always on my mind. if we would just call it quits and get over this, i'd be okay. i'd miss him and i'd be sad that the relationship didn't live up to the potential that it had, but i'd get through it.

one more thing, i think a lot of why i have a short fuse with him is because of all this sexual frustration. there is a LOT of it. that's a deterent for me being with him, if someone came along with at least a semblence of a sexual drive in them, i'd like to take it. i feel like i need to get LAID. (big for me to say, considering my circumstances.) or at least fool around with someone other than dry sex that just leaves me feeling more sexually bottled up than before. and there's at least one person in my radar that could fulfill that...

i think anything that i'd feel if we broke up is disappointment. i genuinely love him for who he is, and i just wish to the high heavens that we could've gotten someplace better. someplace more. but i can't keep dragging him along, trying to force it out of him.

let's make this concise:

rob is: stubborn, shut-off, closed off, emotionally unavailable, sexually unavailable, inconsiderate, selfish, uncommited to a point, immature... sweet (in his own way), funny, intelligent, driven, mature (at the same time), honorable, talented.

i need: maturity, commitment, understanding, love, sex, communication, fidelity, kindness...


it's only a matter of how much longer i can stand it. especially since he's been acting this way.
i think the way i'll act when we break up, is the way that sandra oh's character on 'grey's anatomy' did in the finale of last season. relieved.
i just wish it could've been different...

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i blew up at rob for pretty much nothing... well, not really. he didn't call me for three days and i was pissed because i called and texted him and he didn't return any. it really pissed me off. but i totally overreacted.

it's hard knowing he's back at school. i know i said i was kinda happy he was going back because he got kinda needy for awhile there, but now i wish he was back.

this just goes to show what i've said before... i like break rob. winter break, spring break, summer break. i don't like school rob. he doesn't treat me the same way. he makes it seem like it's a chore to talk to me.

plus, just thinking about who he could be with (girl wise) really bothers me. i know he has no interest in kelly anymore, nor anyone else for that matter because he has no sex drive anymore. but you never know.

i might've figured it out. i think i may be so subconsciously insecure about myself and why anyone would want to be with me, that whenever we get into a fight or we don't talk for a little while i think that he's not interested anymore. and then i get mad and overreact and it just pushes him away.

i've also realized that i'm like him in a lot of ways. when we're together, we end up wanting someone else, but when we feel like we might be losing the other, we latch on again. that's exactly it. i want so much more in a relationship, but the thought of us not being together scares me. the thought of him being with someone else scares me.

so what do i do?

blahhh. :( i'm sad. and tired. and i'm going to go to sleep before 3AM for the first time in ages.

so i'd like to say that pretty much none of the goals i set out for myself were accomplished. haha to be expected, i guess. i think i set my goals a little too lofty sometimes. whatever, i still had a great summer.

le siiiigh. here comes fall. er.. autumn. sean and i had this long conversation about why this season is always called 'fall' when it has a proper name.
"i mean... people don't call winter 'dead'."
*lmao* so decidedly we're going to use the word 'autumn' in replace of 'fall'. "are you coming to see the autumn show?" ... "what are your classes for the autumn semester?"

good times. yes, sean and i are friends again. fool me once, shame on you... if anything happens remotely like the time in february, i'm gone. it's nice to be friends with him sans rob. i had forgotten what it was like...

anyway. i'm excited about it in a lot of ways. i'm keeping myself busy in hopes that i'll be more productive. chances are i will be, that seems to happen when i'm really busy. no more 12 credit semesters.. i lagged. i want to do good in school. i want to get a good part in 'midsummer'. i want to get better at theater.

the one thing i'm still unsure about is rob... we had a very long talk the other night (which involved a lot of me crying) and i basically told him that i didn't think i could be in a relationship with him anymore. long story short we're still together. but he needs to realize that i'm in need of certain things, and if he doesn't give them to me then i'm gone. i think this is the last straw. i've already given him so many chances. almost nine months we've been together...

the thing is that even though he isn't the best pseudo-boyfriend, i simply love being around him. i love being with him. he does make me happy. this is a lot harder than i expected it to be.

and he said something that i've been needing to hear for awhile. "i've given you everything my heart has... and that's more than i can say for anyone else."

but where is the line? i know he cares about me, but if he never shows it, how can i continue with this?

it's hard. but i'm still in it. even though i've thought about being with other guys... something that hadn't even crossed my mind until this summer when he told moe that we aren't dating (yeah, i was livid). for that long it was just him, i never even thought about other guys. i even felt guilty for it...

i don't know, we'll see.

this fall should be great. i'm really excited to see what it's going to bring to me...

... art. i've returned to it!

my dad got me my early birthday gift today.. a graphics tablet. <3 i'm totally in love. i was just fooling around with it earlier, trying to get the hang of how to use it and what i made came out pretty damn good.

it's hard because i'm involved in theater SO much that i don't ever have time to complete pieces on my own. but now with this i can again. it's so much easier and faster.. which i guess is its appeal. i'm not gonna stop real drawing and painting or anything. if i have time and the drive to do it i will.

so yeah. i'm excited.

and rob... well we're still together. :P i know, after all that. i'm just not as attached to him as i was. i have to keep telling myself what my therapist told me. "you're dating him because he's safe, not because he's what you want for the rest of your life."

i knew there was a reason i paid to talk to her.

he's been really needy lately and it's been a little annoying. simply because he doesn't have many other friends when he's at home, and it's harder to hang out with people because he doesn't drive. i'm actually kind of excited for him to go back to campus. :P i've been fighting with him to get a little 'me' time recently.

anyway. i'm super excited for the semester to start. i'm gonna be organized and focused and get shit done. no more wasting time.

alright.. it's really rather humid outside and the mosquitos are killing me.

i mean i can never say for real.. because it's been 8 months of this crap.
a motherfucking rollercoaster.

up and down and up and down.

why am i doing this to myself? because i love him? because i'm waiting for him to show me that he cares? because i don't want to be alone? because i really love him?

honestly. i'm killing myself. i'm expecting certain things, and when it doesn't happen, i get pissed at him. i'm tired of playing this game. i'm tired of playing HIS game.

he's stringing me along still.. for his own selfish reasons. i don't know why he wants me in his life, i can't ever tell. i'm sick of reading between the lines and assuming how he feels.

how come he can't just TELL ME!?! it's so simple.

i fucking though I was complicated. he makes things so much harder than they need to be.

he doesn't talk to me anymore. i don't know why. i almost miss the time where he was mean to me all the time because then he actually told me how he felt... even if it was bad.

i don't want to be in a destructive relationship. i wish i could view us as simply as he does... but i can't. i'm too emotionally involved.

i need things from him that he can't give me. no, not that he can't give me. that he WON'T give me. he refuses. he does/doesn't do things just to spite me and it pisses me off.

i just wish things could work... but i've tried. i've tried so hard. and i don't think they're gonna work. and i'm not gonna do what i did in april and may. i'm not gonna be a chump. i'm gonna hold my ground, because he needs to know how seriously i mean this.

if he wants me in his life, he's gonna have to show me. i'm not gonna sit around waiting for him when i can miss out on guys out there.

i hate it, but i have to do it.

and after such a great night, too... it's just too much anymore.

so here i am sitting out on my front porch (i've found i've got a steady connection out here... odd i can't get it in my house).. just surfing through facebook and myspace and whatnot.

it sucks to say but i haven't kept any of those goals i set for myself. if it weren't for going to vermont i never would've gained weight, though. :P which is why i haven't gone for the past three years. >_<

but rob and i are great. i have my insecurities still about his faithfulness and everything but we're going strong and better than ever.

i'm just terrified to see what's going to happen when school comes. he's lost almost 30 pounds and it's not like he wasn't good looking before, but not i think girls are gonna be even more attracted to him. and that scares me because of the kelly thing. not only do i not want him to talk to her, but what happens if some other little skank (ahem 0:) ) catches his eye? ;LAKJSE;IRJ;A. I HATE IT.

i just have to keep putting it behind me. move forward. we're even going to take a little vacation together in august to d.c. and baltimore. so it's two days but still. :) lol. it's a vacation, dammit.

"into the woods" is going well, i guess. i have my doubts and complaints, but you get that with every show. i'm just excited to be doing one of my favorite musicals in a role that, suprisingly, is really fun. i just hope i kick some ass. i'm really looking forward to the fall show at rutgers.. i'm pretty much guaranteed a lead role. i've heard on several occasions that paul is almost pre-casting me for helena in "a midsummer night's dream". at first i wasn't too thrilled... 1) i wanted titania above all the characters. who doesn't want to be a fairy queen?? 2) helena's a whiney bitch. but i've never played one of those before. so it could be fun. plus i get to have two potentially very good looking guys chase after me most of the show. can't argue with that!!

it's weird, i'm supposed to be enjoying summer, and i am... but i really can't wait for fall. i just love that time of year and i have a really exciting one coming up.

alright, time for me to get some sleep so i can work out with paula tomorrow morning and keep losing weight. WOO! *THUMBS UP*

who knows when i'll be back in here. :P later.

i'm gonna make a list of summer goals that i would like to accomplish. and i'm gonna do that now:

1. read 10 books.
2. make at least 15 pieces of art (outside into the woods set). and not sketches, but for real drawings and paintings.
3. stick to a work-out regime. three times a week at least, an hour each day.
4. get A's in my summer classes.
5. be more open-minded when it comes to rob.
6. not gain weight.
7. stay away from cigarettes.
8. go on a vacation.
9. get my surgery.


good list i think. this should be interesting....



THE END!

i feel like whenever i say something about the way rob and i are going, i end up jinxing it and something bad happens.


but this time, it's different.

we're good. and for the time being, we're gonna stay that way.

<3

no really. what the fuck am i doing?

ugh. i just wish i knew what to do. this whole thing is so disgustingly complicated.

i do realize that if you're reading this, you have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about. but that's because i'm obligated not to say anything. this is purely for venting purposes.

i don't even know what to vent about. i just need the semester to be over. i need this all to be over and then i can figure it out. my brain just can't even process everything that's happening...

i don't know what I'M doing, but i know what a normal person would do. unfortunately for myself, i'm not normal.

especially since my big motto in life is "you never know". so maybe i'm just feeling things out at the moment. i need to think of some logical explanation to why i'm doing this so i don't feel like such an asshole.


blaaah. :(

i don't know what i'm doing.

but i know how i feel.

this is really hard.

it's over. for good this time.

slowdancing in a burning room - john mayer
It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love we've been workin on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burning room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a [dick] because you can
You try to hit me just hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burning room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room, burning room
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow ...


ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't have?) - billy talent

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And it hurts
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with


i take comfort in this:
rob: alrite
rob: i dont wanna talk about me
rob: i'm done with myself
risa: ??
rob: i told myself i would never intentionally hurt her...and look what i've done
rob: over and over again
rob: i've done nothing but hurt her
rob: again and again
rob: im done
rob: i've had it
risa: so that means what
rob: it means i care about her
rob: and im an ugly person

one day he'll realize what he had, and what he subsequently threw away...